What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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