Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
