You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
