I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I understand Curling. That high.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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