I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
