This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
