This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
