I'm really into asian looking animals
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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