if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
