You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
