New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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