i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
