Betty ford says i'm here all night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
