um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
