May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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