onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
