Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
