I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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