he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
