Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
