Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
