I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
