I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
