I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
