bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
