I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
