dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
