My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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