no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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