She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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