He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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