That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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