I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
