This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
