what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
