She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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