I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
