i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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