I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
