you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
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