dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
