Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
