He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
