i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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