around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
