Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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