Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
