I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
