I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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