Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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