At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You did what with his pubic hair?
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